Hibernation

Winter in Idaho is deep and snowy. The more it snows the deeper it gets. It doesn't melt in between times. The boots and the snow pants go to school every day. I enjoy the snow as long as I don't have to drive in it. Lucky for me they get enough of it here that they plan to plough and usually the roads aren't to bad. This winter I have felt like hibernating. Last year not so much. I think with Paul's new job and moving I felt more like the old farm families that spent the winter months busy with activities that would bring them money in spring or restore items that got worn during summer. This winter, not knowing what the spring will bring, I have been an animal of conservation. I am really good at this. This has been my coping mechanism of choice for many years of my life. It has been quite a while since I've used it though and have been a little surprised to find myself hibernating again. In days and times past I was waiting for something bad to happen. I didn't want to be caught unaware and therefore unprepared. If it wasn't necessary it wasn't done. It took some time and effort to overcome the desire to wait and actually discover what I wanted to be doing. Now I am back to waiting but it is not by choice it is one of those circumstances for which I had stopped waiting. When Paul was first laid off I wanted to gather all my resources. I wanted to be done with projects and check all my support connections across the country and be ready for the long winter if it came to that. After Christmas the preparation was over and the waiting had begun. The snow was coming down as if on cue and I was settling in for winter. Now spring is coming. I can see patches of grass in the yard. My Mom was here a couple of weeks ago and we were busy with some projects that felt like waking up a little. Since she has gone home I think I just crawled back under the covers of my den. I just keep thinking "Five more minutes, Mom." I am finding it hard to know what I want to do without having a clear vision of where my family will be. So what have we been doing? Hibernating. The regular things for the kids have continued school, projects, homework, house cleaning, fish feeding and not much else. We must continue to wait for Paul's job situation to work out but I am beginning to think, under the covers, of what I want to be doing. I really can't stay under much longer. But also can't face coming out until I know I have decided what I can and want to do. So I haven't pushed myself out just to sit in the dark and keep waiting. Just Five more minutes REALLY.